


Honest Answer

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, No Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-07-28
Updated: 2003-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:49:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: The boys finally have a real conversation after the breakup.





	Honest Answer

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

The two men stood in the doorway of the loft, staring at each other across the small space that separated them. Their conversation was over, but neither one made any attempt to move. Even though neither wanted to admit to it, there was an almost therapeutic quality to simply standing in each other’s presence.

“You know, Sunshine, this is the second time you’ve saved my ass,” Brian murmured, smirking slightly in the blonde’s direction. Turning around, he walked into the loft, leaving the door open to Justin in a silent invitation.

Justin’s eyes went wide immediately. Still, he followed after Brian, closing the door behind him and made an attempt at innocence. “Second? When was the first?”

An attempt which fooled failed at the almost squeaking tone of his voice.

Near the steps leading up to the bedroom, Brian spun around on his heal, propelling himself with the swinging motion of his right arm. The smirk was firmly in place by this point. 

“When you used that irresistible bubble butt of yours to seduce Kip Thomas,” Brian reminded him needlessly. “If you keep this up I might actually start to think that you like me.”

There was an incredible tenderness to that final statement which caught Justin off guard. A vulnerability that Justin would not have expected from Brian. Ever. Not wanting to believe what he was hearing, Justin tried his best to be flippant in his response.

“Liking you was never the problem.”

“Then what was?” Brian asked softly, tilting his head slightly to the side as he stared intently at Justin’s face.

“I’m not gonna play this game,” Justin stated emphatically.

Brian nodded his head slightly, his gaze ending up focused on the ground. He scrubbed at the back of his neck for a moment before glancing back up at Justin.

“What if it’s not a game? What if it’s me asking an honest question and wanting an honest answer in return? Don’t you think I’m entitled to that?” Brian pleaded in a tone which would not be seen as such by anyone who did not know him well.

Like Justin had. Did. Always would.

“Look, Bri--” Justin started only to be cut off immediately by Brian.

“Don’t. Don’t give me some answer you think will placate me,” Brian ground out, his ever expressive eyes boring into Justin’s own. “I want the truth, Justin. I think I deserve it.”

His left hand fumbling with the fingers of his right, Justin slowly closed the distance between the two of them. “You’re right, you do deserve the truth. You always did.... I was just too much of a chicken shit to admit to it.”

“To what?” Brian prompted, his voice barely above a whisper.

Frowning, Justin pursed his lips slightly. “I don’t... I’m not sure exactly. Things just started spinning out of control and I didn’t know how to stop it. After a while I don’t think either of us could. Our relationship was totally fucked and it was only a matter of time before it imploded.... I just never wanted you to get hurt in it all.”

“Who said I was hurt?” Brian responded immediately.

“I saw the look on your face, Bri,” Justin said with a knowing smirk. The smirk disappeared immediately afterwards, the frown returning. “When I walked away from you. Deny it all you want, but we both know that I hurt you when I walked away.”

“It’s not like I left you much of a choice,” Brian shrugged as he walked towards the couch.

Justin stayed rooted to the spot, watching Brian as he moved absently about the loft. He hated what he had done to Brian. Watching Brian in the weeks since the Rage party he knew that he had affected the older man a great deal. The fact that Brian had punched his best friend, for reasons Justin still didn’t know, was proof enough of that.

“I didn’t have to leave the way I did, though,” Justin protested, walking a little further into the loft so that he was standing in the center of it. “In front of everyone like that. I was an ass that night when you were nothing less than amazing that night. Throwing a party for us like that.... Granted, I think we both know what the real purpose of that party was, it doesn’t mean I had to react the way that I did. I was an ass and I’m sorry.”

Brian leaned against the back of the couch, facing Justin. “You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to do. You wouldn’t have left on your own so I had to make sure that you left. You deserve to be happy, Justin.”

“And what about you?” Justin countered, moving slowly towards him. “Don’t you deserve to be happy too?”

“Can’t you see? I’m fabulous, Sunshine,” Brian drawled, spreading his arms out on either side. “Always have been, always will be.”

“You know I don’t believe that, Bri. I scored a 1500 on my SAT’s remember,” Justin grinned as he crossed over to where Brian was, taking up the spot next to him. “I’ve also known you for almost two years. So while you may e able to convince everyone else that you’re fabulous, I know better.”

Even though he wasn’t looking directly at Brian, Justin could see perfectly envision his arching eyebrow. “That so?”

“I saw your penis on wheels,” Justin smirked, knowing that he’d get a reaction out of Brian for that one. “Very sleek. Very masculine. Very you.”

“It’s not a penis on wheels,” Brian protested, doing his utmost to keep the grin from his face.

“Would you prefer I call it a mid-life crisis or a chemical imbalance?” the blonde teased, lightly bumping his shoulder against Brian’s. “I’m sure I could come up with a few other reasons if you give me a few minutes, but I don’t think you’ll like any of them.”

“You do and I won’t offer to take you for a ride in my new baby,” Brian threatened, chuckling quietly under his breath.

“What about your old baby? Did you forget about her?”

“Him,” Brian corrected immediately. “My baby was a he. There will be no insulting his memory.”

“Calm down, old man,” Justin laughed. “I didn’t mean to insult the jeep. I loved that jeep.... So has the ‘vette been christened properly yet?”

Brian arched a knowing eyebrow. “You offering?”

“Sorry, but no,” Justin said with a shake of his head. “As much as I’d love to help you christen your new car, I’m going to have to pass. For now.”

“For now,” Brian echoed. He then turned his head so that he was looking directly at Justin. “You still haven’t answered my question, Sunshine. What was really the problem between us?”

Justin pushed himself off the back of the couch and slowly made his way across the emptiness that was the center of the loft. He had only been gone a few weeks and yet already the interior of the loft had changed so much. The layout was the same, but there were new additions throughout including some bizarre screen near the dining table that looked like it had been punched out with giant pieces of popcorn. It was undoubtedly some designer label-- it would have to be to find a place in Brian’s loft --but to Justin it just looked odd.

It reminded Justin of just how little impact he’d had in the loft. The space would always be Brian’s home and not his own.

“We just... drifted apart, I guess,” Justin said with a shrug, absently swiping his bangs away from his eyes. “I just couldn’t play the part as well anymore. Not like you. You’ve lived your life the same way for so long that it’s just second nature to you, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t go around fucking a different guy every night. Not when I had the one I wanted. The only one I wanted.” Justin hesitantly glanced over his shoulder a moment, meeting Brian’s eyes briefly before looking away again. “The one I’ll always want.”

Still facing the massive windows on the opposite side of the loft, Justin watched Brian’s reflection in the glass as the taller man moved to where he was standing. Even though all he could make out was the fuzzy white blob that was Brian’s wifebeater, he would have known that it was his ex-lover even if there had been a whole line of individuals with the same clothes on walking towards him. It was all in the way Brian moved. The way he carried himself.

Even though he had been watching Brian’s approach, Justin still jumped slightly when he felt Brian’s hand glide down his back. Even with the barrier of two layers of cloth between them, Justin could still feel the heat of his touch. Just being in the loft has his nerves on edge and to actually be touching Brian had his senses going into overdrive.

“And you left because you weren’t the only one I wanted,” Brian said sadly.

The dejection Justin heard in Brian’s voice made him turn around immediately, staring up into the hazel eyes he knew so well. “I’ll admit, it was a contributing factor, but it’s not why I left. Not the main reason anyway.”

“I hope you’re not planning to have me drag this out of you one sentence at a time,” Brian said lightly, his breath warm against Justin’s throat.

“I was tired,” Justin admitted, his shoulders slumping slightly. “For the past two years my life has been just one fight after another and I was sick of it. I wanted something easy so that I could just exist and recharge my batteries a little. Ethan was the best means to that end. It’s crude, I know, but it’s also the truth. Being with Ethan is easy, especially when compared to our relationship. It’s nice.”

“Nice? The love of your life is nice,” Brian repeated, sounding quite amused by the idea.

Justin rolled his eyes dramatically even though he knew that Brian couldn’t see his face. “I’ve never once said that Ethan is the love of my life. He’s the love in my present.”

“So who’s the love of your life?” Brian questioned, winding his arms around Justin’s waist and resting his head on his shoulder.

Justin automatically leaned back into Brian’s chest. “I’m not gonna answer that.”

“Why not, Sunshine?” Brian pouted.

“‘Cause you and I both already know what the answer is,” he laughed, turning his head slightly so that he could meet Brian’s eyes. “And I don’t feel like stoking your ego right this moment.”

Brian surprised the hell out of Justin with his next statement. “So if we both know who we love, why aren’t we together?”

Pulling away, Justin spun around to face Brian. He stared deeply into the other man’s eyes, searching the hazel depths for the truth behind Brian’s words. On some level he had always known that Brian loved him, even when things were falling apart between them. It was just... too out of control for them to continue on the course they had been. In the end they would have destroyed one another, something which they had very nearly done anyway.

“Bri....” Justin murmured, wanting to look away, but unable to. “I’m with Ethan, remember?”

When he saw Brian’s expression fall, Justin felt as though he had been punched in the gut. He had hurt Brian enough in the past. More than he had ever wanted to because he loved Brian so much. Justin could see Brian withdrawing from him emotionally even though physically he made no move.

“Brian.... Brian, don’t,” Justin pleaded as he watched his ex begin to pull away. Reaching up, he held Brian’s cheeks between his palms, willing him to stay still.

“Look, Jus, maybe you should go back to your boyfriend,” Brian said quietly, looking everywhere but at Justin.

This time Justin did nothing when Brian started to pull away from him. He stood there in the center of the loft, watching as Brian retreated into the bedroom. Bowing his head, he listened to the older man moving about first the bedroom and then the bathroom. The shower started, but Justin still made no move to leave. He couldn’t. Every time that he would try to take a step towards the exit, he would end up taking one to the raised bedroom. The movements weren’t unconscious, though. Rather, Justin was fully aware of what he was doing even if he couldn’t figure out exactly why he was doing it.

By the time he heard the water shut off, Justin was standing near the bed, searching out any changes in the space since the last time he had been there. Unlike the rest of the loft, however, nothing had changed. It looked exactly the same as it had when he’d packed up his stuff to take to Ethan’s.

“What are you still doing here?” Brian asked as he stepped into the bedroom, scrubbing at his hair with a towel. “You didn’t forget anything.”

Justin nodded his head, trying to ignore the fact that Brian was naked. “I know. I just... I don’t know.... I couldn’t go....”

Brian said nothing, but crossed the room over to where he had left his jeans on the bed. While he slipped into them, Justin walked around him and sat down on the side of the bed, absently ran his fingers along the duvet. As he stretched his hand back further, he laid down, enjoying the comforting feel that he had missed since moving in with Ethan. Justin preferred not to think of just how many days he had spent curled up in that bed just after he’d moved in with Brian the second time. It would smell like him which made Justin feel safe, something he’d really needed at the time.

Something he also found himself needing at that very moment.

“Do I even want to know what you’re doing?” Brian smirked as Justin turned his head to inhale the scent of the duvet.

“Trying to steel myself into leaving like I know I have to,” Justin whispered, squeezing his eyes shut tight.

The bed dipped down beside him and Justin rolled automatically towards Brian as he stretched out next to him. He slipped readily into Brian’s arms, tucking his head under his chin. It took everything in him not to let out a relieved sigh at being in Brian’s arms like that once again.

“Why are we doing this to ourselves?” Brian murmured against the top of Justin’s head.

“Because you sent me flying down Mt. Kinney with a sharp kick to the ass,” Justin informed him, chuckling quietly under his breath. “I think I’ve still got a bruise on my ass from it.”

Brian’s own laughter was muffled against Justin’s hair. It was a quick laugh and Brian sobered almost instantly, pulling Justin’s body tighter against his own. “I almost called the whole thing off at the last minute. But I knew that it was what was best for you so I fucked myself both literally and figuratively.”

“So I noticed,” Justin said somberly. “I know why you did it, too, and while a part of me wants to hit you over the head for pulling a stunt like that, I can’t. What I am is awed by the way you sacrificed yourself so that I could be happy.... At least as happy as I can be without you.”

“Justin, don’t,” Brian protested. “We both know that you have to go so please--”

“I know, I know,” Justin mumbled, lightly kissing Brian’s damp chest. Shimmying backwards slightly so that he could see Brian’s face, Justin pursed his lips slightly. “But what if I don’t want to go away again? What if....”

As though he had only been waiting for permission, Brian swooped down, covering Justin’s lips with his own. He did nothing to stop Brian’s tongue as it sneaked its way past his teeth to duel with his own, instead he slid his hand up to tangle his fingers in Brian’s hair, pulling him closer.

Brian rolled Justin over onto his back and held himself above the blonde, staring intently a his face. Keeping himself balanced on his left arm, Brian used his right hand to smooth Justin’s bangs away from his face.

“If we do this,” Brian whispered, making sure he had Justin’s full attention before continuing, “you have to swear that you will never play violin music in my presence again.”

Justin couldn’t stop the tears that formed in his eyes as a result of Brian’s desperate plea. 

“Promise.”


End file.
